Generational Behavior

“The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” (Exodus 34:6-7)

A few years back, I went to counseling with my now ex-wife.  It was our last ditch effort to save a marriage that was already over by the time we went.  I don’t think there’s any percentage breakdown of fault when it comes to divorce (or a successful marriage, for that matter).  I believe it’s a shared 100%, so when people ask, I tell them we were both at fault, 100%.  It’s truly one of the only things we did really well together: get divorced. (only teasing...kind of.)

One of the things that came up in counseling that has really intrigued me ever since was the fact that much of my disfunction in relationships comes from the way I was raised.  I’m not faulting my behavior on my parents (my parents are awesome) but I did learn a lot about conflict resolution, communication, and how I see intimacy from them.  

My parents are alcoholics.  At night, they were embarrassing.  I’d have full conversations with my mom that she didn’t remember the next day.  My dad would sit in his chair and nod off to sleep.  Sometimes he’d wake up from a slumber and mumble random things incoherently.  This was my daily life.  At around 6pm every night - it was like this.  So, consequently, I never invited people over to my house.  I was always the friend that went to other people’s homes.  And I’d NEVER talk about this - not even to my brothers.  But we all knew.  We just hid it.

Every so often, the facade would crack.  I remember the first time my mom and my ex met, and my mom gave her a glass of wine.  My mom’s idea of a glass of wine was to keep it full at all times.  My ex was drunk with one glass of wine!  haha.  But - that was life.  I remember another incident that happened with a friend of mine who worked for my dad.  My friend came over at night to drop something off for work and my dad was pretty much sloshed.  I had to speak for my dad - in embarrassment - and find a way to get my friend on his way.  Sadly, these moments happened all too often.

Thankfully, I did learn one positive thing from this experience.  I don’t drink - barely at all.  But - I definitely learned some bad habits:  I keep people at a distance.  I don’t share difficult problems, I brush things under the carpet.  I retreat when in conflict.  And a hundred other little things.

It’s not to say I didn’t learn some very good habits:  I’m pretty darn loyal, even when things are bad.  I can be a very good verbal cheerleader - coach.  I can usually make people laugh.  And a hundred other little things.

Our parents are very influential - good and bad.

Having worked in ministry for most of my life, I’ve noticed that kids pretty much resemble their parents.  There are differences, and there’s rebellion - but for the most part, a successful parent will have successful kids - and - unsuccessful parents will bread disfunction.  I’ve noticed this trend too, kids that got pregnant early in life (say - High School) end up having kids that get pregnant early too.  It’s not a science, but it is almost weird.  Yes yes - there are exceptions, but surprisingly, it’s more common that I would have ever thought when I was younger.

I had one student tell me that her parents were super strict and never had any fun when they were kids.  Little did she know that I knew her parents in High School and they were completely wild!  They were strict for a reason - they had lived through their experience and, now, had quite a few regrets.  They were only trying to protect their kid.  I almost laughed out loud when she told me that.

But, here’s the funny thing - the parents that I knew in High School had parents who were super strict too.  A cycle of behavior passed down from one generation to the next.

Having come off an all bros trip in Tahoe with some old High School friends, one of the themes that kept coming up was how much our past - our parents - really influenced us.  There were many conversations about trying to figure out how to not live the dysfunctional behaviors that we picked up along the way.  Some of those behaviors are so subtle, it’s as if they’re not even there.

I have to admit, when I went to counseling - I didn’t even know why I behaved in certain manners.  I knew things weren’t working in my relationship - and I knew I was at fault with a lot of it, but - I had no idea that it was so deeply ingrained.  

One common theme in my blogs is the reality that God loves us - values us - accepts us - in spite of our behavior.  Unconditional love.  He loves the good, bad, and ugly.  That’s pretty easy to grasp - and will probably come up again in a future blog.

But, today, I’m curious about the change.  Or - the transformation.  

One of my friends said, “If it wasn’t for God - Jesus - I’d be exactly like my dad.”  Funny thing is - he’s a lot like his dad.  I don’t doubt for a second that God hasn’t changed him in a positive way - but - it’s still there - the same dysfunction.  

And it’s there in me too.  I wonder if this is a bit of that “thorn in my side” kind of thing?  I don’t know.

This is the subject that has been rolling around in my head lately.  How do we break the cycle?  How does one change something he/she can’t actually see?  As much as Christ loves us, values us, and accepts us 100% - what role does our behavior actually play in following Jesus?

Those are my thoughts to ponder today...

Have a great one!

Jer