Thursday, February 28, 2013

Not Knowing Any Different - a poem



 I saw a child today 
smiling and holding a parent's hand 
happy as can be with no sorrow in her face 
innocent and homeless 
dirty and alive 

not knowing any different

i saw a man today 
sick and tired working 
with everything he had
 I don't know why, or what his motive 
but he moved on 

not knowing any different 

I saw a woman today 
holding her bag as tightly as a child 
all that she possessed inside a fragile mind 
saying a sweet thank you to a life 
that offered shit 
she smiled on

not knowing any different 

I saw a family today 
together 
sharing a moment of forgetting 
sharing a love that they had never been given 
and had never been seen 
but the moment moved on 
as they walked back on the street

not knowing any different

I saw anger today 
in a man's eyes 
anger at life and purpose 
anger at futility and the craziness inside 
almost drove him to strike a stranger 
whose fault? but a stranger 
escorted away, forced to move on 

not knowing any different 

I saw hope today 
in the smile of a saint 
who saw the good inside
 and chose to pass over the pain, 
the humiliation of life's less than perfect 
grace with a heartbeat

not knowing any different 

And I sit back today
 and think of what I saw 
Will i be changed 
or will i move on? 
will I wonder why at all? 
or will life again swallow me up 
will I forget and be the same 
will i wonder why I even showed up? 
I wonder all the same 'cause here I am,
back to the norm
 once again 

not knowing any different


Jeremy K.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Random Surprise


Today was a long travel day - lots of driving.  

The coast of California is pretty dang gorgeous though.  I’m used to driving up I-5, and that is a typically boring drive.  This time I went up the 101, then the PCH to get to Santa Cruz - where there are gorgeous views of the mountains, with occasional bursts of jaw-dropping ocean views.

My grandma lived in Aptos (next to Santa Cruz) and as a kid I would always love driving up there to visit and explore.  One of my traditions whenever I’m in the Santa Cruz area is to go to a little coffee shop in Capitola called Mr. Toots.  I’ve been going here for what seems like forever.  I LOVE their cheesecake!  It’s a cool little second story coffee shop that overlooks the ocean and the coast.  Some traditions are not meant to be broken, so that’s the first place I went.

I pulled out my camera to take a picture of the door of Mr. Toots to put it on Instagram.  As I climbed the steps and was busy posting it, I walked inside, to my surprise, one of my old friends was the barista!

How wonderful is that? And random?  I was just thinkin’ I was buying time before I saw one of my other friends that lives in the area.  But, here was this old friend.  We quickly caught up about our lives, and eventually our conversation turned towards God’s goodness.  She told me that those days of YL were some of the best in her life.  It was fun to be able to reaffirm that no matter what happens in our life, we are NEVER disqualified for God’s love and grace.

It’s sad that we often forget that!  I know I do.  Somehow I come up with this silly notion that I can be disqualified from His infinite love.  Just having this conversation with Maddi reminded me that we’re not.  I’m not.  What an awesome surprise!

God is so random.  I love it.

Makes me wonder yet again what's around the corner...

Jer





Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Thoughts From a Graveyard

Our shadows stretched towards the tombstones as I took photos.  There were hundreds and hundreds of them.  Infants to ancients.  Death does not discriminate.

For some, I'm sure death was a complete surprise.  For others, it was the end of a very long battle.  All their worries - vanished.  All their struggles - gone.  All their angers - silenced.

The graveyard was quiet and peaceful overlooking the Southern California ocean.  It was beautiful.

The hustle and bustle of the world moved on and on around them every day.  People busy with living.  In some ways, it's funny what we worry about (or get worked up about) in our lives.  Life passes by and we often waste time with worry, anger, and judgement.

Some of the dead probably had very strong political beliefs.  Some preferred one group of people over another.  Some believed in God while others rolled their eyes.

But all were gone.  Whatever worries, angers, or beliefs they held onto in life were silenced at the grave (at least, from the perspective of the living).

The grave is very real for you and me.  We want to not think about it - avoid it - deny it.  But - we have a final resting place somewhere too.

What are we wasting time in our life with right now?  How much petty anger or worry to do we hold onto each day we live?  Ultimately, that crap that won't matter one bit when we lie down in our final resting place.

For me, this is motivation to love more.  Relationships are so important.  That's what we'll remember when we're dying - relationships.  Don't ya think?

They're messy though.  There's a lot of risk.  I should know.  I risked a marriage - and it crashed and burned.  But, looking back, I'm thankful for that chance at optimism.  I am a better person because of it all.  But there was pain.  And pain creates conflict and tension.  Risk.

I think we all get hurt in relationships.  Jesus did.  Why do we think we might get a pass when the whole premise of the Great Story was a broken relationship - reconciled and restored by the One that died a brutal death on a cross?  God risked everything for relationship.  And what an amazing story He's telling through it all!

We risk a lot in relationships too.  We often say they're the most important thing.  But are they really?  Words and actions often disagree.

"When all is said and done - mostly things are just said, and not much is done." T. Campolo.

Take time to risk today!  Love!  And put your petty anger and worry to the grave.  Love does!  Go risk loving people!

That's what I'm gonna try to do today!

Jer


Monday, February 25, 2013

Time to Reflect and Dream


I don’t know where I am.  

I’m in the middle of a town that I don’t know the name of - at a random Starbucks somewhere near San Diego - but if you took my phone away, I’d be completely lost. 

I have no agenda today.  I’m gonna get a tour of San Diego a little bit later, but this morning - nothing.  I know nobody here.  I am sort of a fly in the wall.  I’m an extra in the lives of random people in Southern California. 

I’m spending my morning reflecting on the conference I just attended.  It was an inspiring and “kick in the butt” type conference.  At least, for me it was.  

The conference kind of told me what I already know:  I don’t know where I am.

Or maybe, “I don’t know where I’m going” would be a better way of putting it.  

I definitely choose stories with meaningless ambitions.  Somehow, in my past, I was swept up into the incredible story of the gospel.  Had I not lucked out on that - I wonder how my life would have turned out?  Because without the gospel, I’d just chase one selfish ambition after the next.  I do that WITH the gospel - how much more without?

Much of what I learned this past weekend were things that I already knew, but couldn’t put my finger on.  For example, here’s some of the basics of story:

A good story is clear.  A character is known for what they do, not what they think. (Love Does!)  There’s no good story without conflict.  Great characters engage conflict.  The only way a character can change in a story is through conflict.  Great characters go through transformation.  Great characters live stories where many lives are saved.

There was much more, but that’s pretty much the basics.  Common sense stuff.  But one of the challenging questions of the conference was:  

What kind of story are you telling with your life?

Another was: 

What would the world miss if you didn’t tell your story?

I find that I often choose boring and meaningless stories.  hmmm. 

None of these ideas made me feel guilty - not even close!  It was more - wow - I settle for less than I know I can get in life.  Not that I’m trying to “get” anything - but I settle for a good - or ok - life instead of the very best life that I'm wired to live.  I settle.

A woman that worked with elderly people who were nearing death's door wrote a book about her experience.  I wish I had written the name of the book down, but I didn’t.  I just wrote the list:

The top 5 regrets of the dying:
  1. They ignored their dreams
  2. They worked too much
  3. They didn’t say what they really thought
  4. They wished they had more friends
  5. They wished they had chosen to be more happy.

I hope to live life without these regrets.  But I need to start living a better story if that's to happen.  

Well - here's to challenges!  Time to reflect and dream...

May we learn to live better stories with our lives!!

Jer

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Sunday Music #2


Sometimes there aren’t answers to the questions we have.  Sometimes we are speechless with pain.  Sometimes life just plain sucks.    

There’ve been a couple deaths recently in my hometown.  When we look towards Jesus - He just weeps.  But - the questions remain.

One of my favorite songs hints of hope in this desperately hurting world.  It doesn’t give answers, but there’s hope nonetheless.  

Jer



Chasing the Sun


The sky was like fire the other night as the sun fell into the ocean - and we ran to catch it.  I was quickly out of breath - and not because of the beauty.  I am, by no means, a runner.  And to help prove the point, I was clutching my Cinnamon Dulce Latte as I chugged along.  I’m not one for common sense, so my friend Sarah had to point out that I should probably plug the hole of my cup’s lid with my finger as I ran.  “Ohhh! That’s why it’s spilling.” I thought.  haha.  
When you’re out of shape, you can’t breath deep enough to suck the energy you need to keep going.  So - we’d walk, then go, then walk again, then go again.  We even laughed because it was so silly.  Sarah is super athletic, but hates running.  (Well, that’s what she told me anyway, but it’s probably to make me feel better - ha!)  And I am just plain out of shape.  Like I said - the two of us - silly.  And - laughing, while running and holding a coffee?  Not the best combo.

But we kept pushing.  We got some great photos of the setting sun from far away, but we wanted to get to a point where the cliff’s edge opened up and revealed that fiery ball melting into the ocean’s horizon.  

When we finally got to the cliff’s edge, we’d missed it.  We were literally seconds late.  We could barely make out the very top the the sun disappearing into the water, but we missed the full sunset.  It was an “Oh well.” moment and Sarah reassured me, “It’s still really pretty without the sun.”  She was very right. (even though she does of that habit of trying to make the people around her feel better - I secretly think I missed the coolest thing ever!  haha.)

The sky was various shades of red.  The ocean’s water was a strange blue, almost turquoise, and the color orange danced inside the waves.  It was beautiful.  Stunning beautiful.  I don’t live near the ocean - so it was sort of like seeing something with brand new eyes.  I think that’s how we’ll see heaven - with brand new eyes.  

I wonder...how much am I missing in life?  hmmm...

There were other people watching this scene with us.  It’s crazy to think that this scene gets played out over and over again:  the light of day kissing the darkness goodnight.  And even crazier -  God is such a good artist that He’s never content to paint the same painting night after night.  Sarah showed me some photos of another evening that revealed even deeper oranges and reds that shined across the expanse of the sky - a more beautiful night than the one we were witnessing.  Truly amazing.  She said, “you should have seen it in person.  There was every color of the rainbow!  The photo doesn’t do it justice”

What an amazing artist that God is!  Seriously.  How much am I closing my eyes to His stunning beauty?  Makes me wonder... 

Jer


Friday, February 22, 2013

Sharing thoughts...

Always want to share some good thoughts - and this particular blog entry has been workin' on me...


http://storylineblog.com/2013/02/19/how-i-learned-not-to-be-overwhelmed/


Comfort Zone

I'm sittin' on the rooftop at a house in Santa Barbara.  The ocean is amazing!  The wind has just the slightest bite of cold that's pretty much cancelled out from the hot coffee that I'm sipping. I'm literally watching a plane flying really low - only a couple hundred feet above the water - a huge plane - passing by to some unknown destination. Amazing.

It's pretty quiet, except for the birds chirping and occasional car driving by.  I can see waves roll toward the beach through the trees.  An unnatural looking oil rig sits off the coast.  Behind me are mountains.  Huge mountains.  There are palm trees and unknown types of coastal trees all around.  The sun is high in the sky - making this computer screen hard to see.

I wonder if stepping outside our "normal' heightens our senses.  I normally don't notice anything.  Today is a new day - a new place - a new adventure.  And I'm noticing things.

I think I strive for comfortable too much.  Some of my story could be "the search for comfortable."  It's not that comfortable is necessarily bad.  It's more that it's settling for 'not great."

Maybe too much comfort is bad.  I tend to avoid confrontation.  It's uncomfortable.  But - that has turned out badly too many times.  Too much comfort can lead to laziness too - which can also turn out bad.  People often talk about "getting outside of your comfort zone."  I think, in some ways, all we try to do is live within our comfort zone.  I wonder if true growth can occur within our comfort zone.  I'm not so sure...

Fear is a motivating factor - fear of the unknown.  Going outside our comfort zone can create fear.  I think I fall for that fear more often than I'd like to admit.  I can tell a great story - but can I live one?  Maybe that's what this trip is all about.  Learning to live a great story.  Great stories are rarely comfortable ones.

It's sad how often I settle for "less than great."

Jer


Thursday, February 21, 2013

Instantly Friends!

Got all my bags packed - at Starbucks - getting ready for this travel adventure to Southern California.

Long drive today - 7 hours to Santa Barbara.  Going to stay with a friend for the next couple days before heading off to San Diego.  Tonight I'm going to a college group, really looking forward to it.  I love hearing God type thoughts through different lenses.  Praying I'm not too cynical.  haha!  Cynicism can blind us from God - and that's ugly habit I have.  "Blind me from cynicism!!"  As long as I remember that - I'm usually ok.  usually....ha

Hopefully traffic won't be too bad.  I've only been to Santa Barbara twice, and both times I was pretty much just driving through.  This will be fun.  Tomorrow is explore times.  I'm actually looking forward to the pre-trip as much as the San Diego part.  I love new!  And - my friend from SB kicks A and takes names!!

I read a chapter from Donald Miller's book today about Bob Goff.  It's the chapter about kayaking next to Malibu (Canada - Young Life camp), and hearing Bob's story about world leaders for the first time.  It's kinda a must read.  Makes me believe that almost anything is possible.  Such an inspiring story!!  They used the word "whimsy".  I kinda feel like this trip has a bit of "whimsy' in it.

I'm not one for details.  I always figure that the details will work themselves out.  And - they usually do!! I don't even know the family that I'm staying with down in San Diego.  My buddy is leaving for a Men's retreat for his church while I stay in his rented room.  Random.  He's coming back on Sunday and we're gonna hang out for a couple days.  But - awkward moments.  I hate not knowing people.  haha.  Well - time to make new friends.

Remember making friends when you were a kid?  If you saw a kid playing and walked up to them to play too - you were instantly friends. So easy!  Strange how things change.  Sad how things change - in that regard.  Maybe this is one of those instances that Jesus was referring to when he talked about people having to be like kids to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Heaven is full of friends - I'm sure!

Sometimes the word foolishness creeps in my head when doing random stuff like this trip.  It's a fear based thought.  Weird how often I fight fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of new people.  Fear of failure.  Fear of losing all my money.  haha.  I'm always a bit comforted when I think of Jesus so often saying, "Fear not!".

I have nothing but addresses as I go south.  The address in Santa Barbara - and the address in San Diego.  Only have two phone numbers too.  But - that's about it.  haha.  Whimsy.  Gotta love it.  Well - here goes.  Let's see what kind of story opens up.  Woohoo!

Jer

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Road Trip!

For a while now, I've been on the fence about going on a road trip down to San Diego - specifically the Storyline Conference with Donald Miller and Bob Goff.  In some ways, it's a little irresponsible.  I'll be broke by the end of it - and won't get paid until the 10th of next month.

But, I always seem to make excuses about things like this.  I have the perfect break to go - it's the perfect time - and I get to hang out with really good friends on the way down - etc.  Super fun adventure!

It's funny how much fear motivates me sometimes.  There's a lot of unknowns with going.  The moment I decided to actually go, I started wondering "what if I get in an accident down there..." and other stupid thoughts like that.  Fear can paralyze.  It's kinda weird.  I want to live a life worth living - not be paralyzed by fear!

I thought of my friend Tom - who's way up in the entertainment industry.  What I love about him is that he seems to have no fear of failure or rejection.  It's quite inspiring actually.  And - from an outside perspective - he literally lives one adventure after the next.  When he was a high school kid, my mantra was "Seize the day!" - as his coach and YL leader.  I had no hand in what Tom did with his life, for sure - but he sure is living life to the fullest - seizing the every day.

If I stayed home, I'd be playing it safe.  There's no risk with playing it safe.  With no risk - there's no reward.  Yet - how often do I play it safe??

Much more than I'd like to admit, unfortunately.

Well - here's throwing caution to the wind...Road Trip!!

Jer

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

In Keeping with Lent...

Well, I said there might be days where I only write one sentence, but I'd write every day.  This isn't one sentence, but it's close. I might come back later tonight and write more, but don't wanna break Lent - so - here this is.  haha.

Actually - I'm gonna share a good video - a short talk.  It's pretty kick butt...enjoy!


Jer



Monday, February 18, 2013

One Condition....


Last night I realized that I’m a conditional giver.  

A group of friends and I were going through a well known story that Jesus tells about noticing the King of Kings within the least of men, and helping Him (Matthew 25).  It’s one of my favorite stories.

It’s funny, as a Young Life leader, we talk about God loving people unconditionally.  And - I think we really do believe it.  I know I try to grasp my mind around that for sure.  The great thing about this understanding of God's love is that it allows us to love kids with no conditions.  Kids don’t have to “do” anything for Young Life leaders to love them.  They don’t have to be Christian, they don’t have to behave, don’t have to go to Young Life - nothing.  We get to love like God loves.

But - last night - we weren't talking about kids.  We talked about the people in the margins of society.  The subject of homelessness came up - and giving help to them.  I think we often don’t give help because we don’t believe a person's behavior will change.  We talked about homeless people's irresponsible behaviors, addictions, how it might be a scam - etc.  All the (sadly) normal stuff.

But in the actual story - there’s no condition on the giving.  What I mean is - Jesus says, “when I was hungry, you gave me something to eat, gave me a drink when I was thirsty, needing clothes and clothed me, sick or in prison, and you visited me.”

The story’s emphasis is in the act of giving.  There’s nothing about the recipient’s response.  

I give and want people to change.  I want them to appreciate - or thank - or get better - or whatever.  But there’s none of that in this story.  It's about noticing the King of Kings in the least of men and women.  I tend to notice my conditions - and not God.  

I give with conditions.

Don’t get me wrong.  I want to give with wisdom.  I’m not gonna give alcohol to an alcoholic.  And the story isn’t about giving money.  I get all that.  But - even so - I focus on my personal conditions on a gift and don’t end up giving anything.  So - I lose on the opportunity to see Jesus.  I ignore Him actually.  grrr.  I esteem Him not...

A gift should never be micro managed.  A gift is free to the one who receives.  The cost of love is paid by the giver, not the receiver.  Costly love.  Jesus type love.  Amazing costly grace...

hmmm...I'm sure I have more to say, but I'll leave it at that.  Have a great day!

Jer



Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sunday Music Number One

Sunday Music.

To take a break from writing - on Sunday's I'm gonna share some of my favorite music.  I'm stealing the playlist of another blogger, not gonna lie.  ha.  Good Sunday, rest day blog.

Toad the Wet Sprocket was one of my favorite bands as a kid.  The lead singer went off on his own and started a solo career - among a lot of random side projects. Plover is a pretty awesome side project - as well as Works Progress Administration (WPA).

This is a song for WPA.  I heard it at the right time in my life.  It's about hope and hurt at the same time - disillusionment and struggle.  The lines: "there is a silence in the bedroom, a rustle in the hall, in the shadow of a love that became a wall...'  spoke in a deep place to me after my divorce.  Now it's one of my favorites.  Very folk.  Love it.  enjoy!




Saturday, February 16, 2013

Random Rambling

I'm at Starbucks and it's completely empty.  From my experience, that's pretty rare.  Especially in the middle of the day.  It is Saturday though, so maybe that's the reason.

I was thinking about what to write on this blog today.  Not much is coming, to be honest.  My head's a little like Starbucks today - empty.  One thing I thought about was that I could literally write about anything.  I tend to write about God topics because I'm always curious and amazed with that topic.  But - I'm not limited to that.  I could write about sports.  Or movies.  Stories.  Mystery.  Fiction.  I literally have a blank slate.

But that got me thinking about whether I truly have a blank slate.  All my experiences - all that I've read and done - these things shape how I think.  Hurts, joys, love, rejection - all of it shape how I see the world.  Not to mention God actively molding and shaping me - while I often complain in protest.  

Is that a blank slate?  Some of the best ideas that I hear come from different types of people that are not like me.  In fact, much of what others say or discuss I wouldn't even think about.  That's one of the things I love about groups of people - and diversity.  People have very different lenses on life.  This can be really insightful.  Of course, there's tons of ignorance out there (a lot within my self, I confess).  But even encountering ignorance reveals the lens of someone else and can often be insightful.  

Any blank slate that I start out with would only come from my very limited perspective.  In a sense, my imagination is limitless.  But then I factor in that I limit myself (and boy - do I know how to limit myself) and I don't think my slate is exactly blank.  That's one of my trains of thoughts today...

Here's another thought that popped in my head...

Today is a wonderful day.  It almost has the feel of Spring.  Nothing (that I know about) is wrong about the day so far.  No tragedies (knock on wood) to speak of or anything like that.  There's no pressure about today too.  Saturday - no deadlines.  No stress.  Nothing.  I even cleaned up my place, and my car - did some chore stuff.  I'm here at Strbx finishing one of my Lent commitments. I love it.  But - here's the random thought.  When things are going good - I always have, in the back of my head, a feeling of guilt.  I have no idea where this comes from - but it's always there.  It's a nagging little bug that keeps biting me in a place that I can't scratch.

Maybe guilt isn't the correct word.  Hmmm.  I don't feel "guilty" or anything like that.  It's that, deep down, I should be feeling some sort of stress - or busy-ness.  It almost feels unnatural having a completely free and good day.  Doesn't mean I won't enjoy the day, but I sure wish I could squash that bug.   

That's something for some psychologist to figure out, I'm sure.  ha!  

Well - that's what I got for today.  Rambles.  Hope the your day is awesome (whoever happens to read this)

Jer

Friday, February 15, 2013

Valentine's Reflection

Love can become overly sentimental.  I'm not trying to be a kill-joy about love, but days like Valentines really over-romanticize it.  This made up, chocolate holiday highlights all of the good, and none of the difficult.  It's almost like the Disney fantasy of "happily ever after" wrapped up in a little heart shaped candy.

I observed a guy at CVS buying flowers for his wife.  He didn't look happy about it and even joked at the counter about having to try to be romantic or he'd get in trouble.  And this was not a happy face - joking manner - in which he spoke.  It was more like a pissed off face.

How romantic is that?  Getting flowers at CVS and being pissed about it.  Super romantic!  The funny thing is - he was right.  He would get in trouble had he not done anything.  I'm sure when he went home, he put on a smile and acted like these CVS flowers were something he'd climbed over mountains to attain because of the love he has for his bride.  But I witnessed the reality.  In truth, that's a pretty ugly picture of love, isn't it?  CVS?  Anger?  Really?

Don't get me wrong, love should have romantic moments.  Romance is a beautiful thing.  But, love is so much more than that, don't you think?  I surely hope so...  I don't know about you, but I want a love that doesn't abandon me when I'm ugly, sick, in a pissed off mood, sad, or just plain boring.

I used to be a part-caretaker of two amazing little dogs.  Every time I would get home - they'd go crazy with happiness.  I could leave for 5 minutes, and when I got back - crazy happiness!  It was such a pick-me-up.  And whether I was ugly, sick, pissed off, sad, or boring - they were crazy happy that I was with them.  Every time!  The with...

With.  That's a good word for love.

Love always makes me think of God.

Immanuel means "God with us" - which is Jesus.  And the Bible points out that God is love.  And He never leaves us - ever.  And His costly love was given to us while we were at our worst - the very worst of our worst.  And that costly love was revealed through something very ugly, sad, and heartbreaking - the death penalty of a cross.  Blood, pain, death - that leads humanity to real life and true love.

What an amazing love story that is.  Someone loving us while we're at our worst.  Seeing the truth about every part of us - and not leaving - ever.  It's a wonder why God isn't more proclaimed on days like Valentine's day.  He is true love after all.  Isn't Valentine's all about love?

Jesus Christ is the walking definition of love.  He's humanity's best Valentine's gift ever - a gift that lasts all year round, on and on - for all eternity.

Jer

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Almost a Skip

I almost forgot to write one of these today.  Wow - day 2 and I'm already forgetting.  It's gonna be a long Lent.  This will be a short entry today, for sure.

It's so easy to justify skipping things.  I almost said - "oh well - whatever" - in regards to this blog/writing.  No one would know - or hold me accountable.  It's so easy to do whatever you want when no one is looking...  


I once heard that integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.  I guess this commitment is a test of my integrity.


Laziness and forgetfulness vs. integrity.  wow.  


For some reason it makes me think of this story:



28 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
29 “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
30 “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
31 “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
“The first,” they answered.  (Matthew 21:28-31)

This is one of those stories that give me hope.  I - so often - complain, but eventually I come to my senses.  Well - most of the time.  k - half the time...  ha!  Like writing this blog.  Didn't want to do it.  Almost gave it up.  But - here it is.

Maybe there's hope for me after all.  haha.  But - this is only day 2.  wow.

Jer



Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Lent Fail!

I've been pretty lazy about my blog.  I have mixed feelings about it really.  I kinda started it to practice writing, and that has been pretty awesome.  However - the discipline it actually takes to write consistently always seems to get in the way.

There's also aesthetics.  This blog is pretty dang ugly.  But, to make it look nice (or even a little better) - is an investment in time and creativity that I don't want to make.  This discipline easily partners up with my tendency to be lazy - and that's never a win.  And, truth be told, I really don't have an audience - haha - so I guess looks don't matter much.  right?


But the discipline to write daily?


Ok - monthly?  Well - ok.  Every other month? - lately.  Gosh - it's not there...I wonder if there's any hope??


Speaking of hope (awesome transition!!)...Lent just plopped its rigid and ugly face right in front of my lackadaisical life this month. grrr.


I thought Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) was last Tuesday.  (The party of over-indulgence that kinda looks like my imagination of heaven before we get cleaned up, prim and proper, for God.  haha.)  


Anyway.  Last week I didn't work on Monday, so when I worked on Tuesday, it felt like it was a Monday.  Soooo, thinking the next day was Tuesday (when it was actually Wednesday), I overindulged on the thing that I was going to give up (fast from) on the actual start of Lent.  Half way through the day, someone told me it was Wednesday when I'd already crashed and burned.


My fast was from AM/PM.  haha.  I go there, seriously, every day.  Sometimes twice a day.  Super cheap - come on!  


With AM/PM coffee in hand, someone told me..."Ummm Jer - it's Wednesday."  of course.  Total fail.  So - I renamed the day - "Wicked Wednesday" and vowed to start the next day.


All good and fun - I started my fast on Thursday.  But then, I come to find out on Sunday night that Fat Tuesday was the next week!  I fasted from AM/PM for 4 days and Mardi Gras hadn't even happened yet.  hahaha.  So typical.  


I fail (Wicked Wed).  Then I start again (fail - it's not even Lent!).  Then - when I realize I can have AM/PM - I fail (overindulge) - without any of it being a failure.  So confusing!


On a serious note - I was also reminded on Sunday night that the fast was a time to remember God's goodness.  I always forget that part!  My AM/PM ritual is part of my quiet time - it'd be kind of silly giving up the one thing that I actually do every day to remember that God is good.  (not the drinking coffee part - the driving - I park and drink my coffee - read - and every once in a while, pray part.  lol  well - yes - and the drinking coffee part too - haha.  God is good!)


So - I changed my lent.  And lent started today.


I just went for random - on choosing what to give up.  I'm no Catholic - so what I'm giving up isn't  random in a Catholic sense.  But it's random for me.  I'm giving up meat - until Easter.


And I'm adding two things to my daily routine.  Blogging is one of them.  One blog a day.  Even if it's just a sentence.  


Photos too.  One photo a day on Instagram.  Just cuz that's what I wanna be - more creative.


This is gonna be an interesting season...


Jer