The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

***This was originally written in late August, 2011.  I wrote this a month before I signed papers for my divorce.  I had edited it, but it didn't publish - way back when.  I thought it had.  I've been going through my old blogs and realized this - so I published it.  But - it published it for today.  So - no earthquakes (or pain of rejection) - as this blog reports.  ha!  But - wow - I remember...  Prophetic words...

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One of my greatest fears in life is rejection. I don't know where this fear came from, but it's been there since I was a little kid. The rejection that I fear isn't necessarily that I won't be liked, or that I'll say the wrong thing - the rejection I'm talking about is that a person won't accept me for who I am - to the core - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not worried about surface rejection, I'm worried about deep rejection. I fear that people won't actually love me for me. And because I'm not loved, I'll be left all alone.

I sometimes wonder if only God can love all of me - the good, bad, and ugly.

I have a lot of good in me. God created me that way. He created me with a quick wit, a desire to know things, and lots of incredible abilities. When I was in first grade, I was voted "nicest person" in the class. I got the same honor in 6th grade. God made my personality nice. I see that quality in my brothers too - they're the nicest guys that I know. I wonder if that's kinda a family trait... God has made many parts of me good. But, I have to admit, it's actually hard for me to talk about the good, because I can always point out flaw after flaw. Truthfully though - when I look at how God created me, I am very grateful for the good He's put in me. I'm sure I'm selling myself short on the good, but that's all I'll write about for that.

I have a lot of bad in me. Many of my choices aren't good - that's for sure. I tend to choose ME over others a lot more than I'd like. I choose quick satisfaction over endurance. I choose the easy way, and many times that's the lazy way. I don't think of others before myself - and in those decisions I end up hurting the people I actually care about. I tend to think about others only when I might need something. I'm stubborn, and like to get my way. What it comes down to - I can be really selfish, especially when I'm not really paying attention. The bad in me is the same bad in all of us - but I can live in it, and many times not even realize it. Sometimes I'm even blind to the bad, but others notice and cringe. Sometimes I feel bad to the core.

I have a lot of ugly in me. Our nakedness leads to shame - which leads to hiding (Garden Story Gen 3). I can hide. I'm not a big fan of the mirror, both physical and metaphorically. I just choose not to look. I don't pay attention. And when I do look, I don't see the good, I only notice the ugly, so I look away. And there's a lot of ugly in me. When others notice, they tend to turn away too. I have felt the sting of that rejection many times. But, ugly is ugly - and it's in me. I turn away from myself sometimes...

So - I have it all in me - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This is something that I know to my very core:

I'm not rejected by God, I'm accepted. He loves me because He is love, and He is good. And He proved that love by paying the invaluable price of His life on the cross. After paying the price, He conquered death and rose to new life - the same life He offers to all of us. And as we receive that incredible gift, we literally become part of His family - His very own kids. He knows us to the core - and in spite of us - He is still madly in love with us. He doesn't reject us - He accepts us.

He really does love us while knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's incredible good news - and I write about it often...but...

It just breaks my heart when I'm rejected by people. It can really hurt.

Especially when that rejection is huge - earthquake huge...

I definitely felt an earthquake today...

Jer