In Too Deep...

This is an email I wrote over ten years ago and I just found it in an old folder in my inbox.  It kinda cracked me up – and is very relevant to what I’ve been writing about lately.  It’s totally unedited - the grammar sucks (even more than usual), but it pretty funny and paints a good picture.  It's a true story too – as embarrassing as that is to share.  Anyway, hope it makes you laugh…

  
  
 
  
  
 
  
So, I'm in the fifth grade - and haven't learned how to swim yet. Yes, I was a late bloomer. My mom wants me to figure out how to swim, so she sends me to a swimming class. I arrive in my nice swim suit ready to learn what I've longed to do for so many years. I can remember envying all those kids that knew how to dive and seemingly glide through the water. The people in charge send me to my "team" - the group I'm going to learn with. They seem so athletic and my heart begins to pound as the instructor tells us to head off to the deep end of the pool - which, I might add, is about 12 ft. deep. I watch as one of the kids on our team jumps in the water and begins to swim. "Wait, something must be wrong - he can swim. What is this?" I think to myself.

Our instructor then tells us all to jump in the water. I sit on the edge and slowly lower myself into the chilly water. - she begins to tell the objective for our team (yes - it was a very pretty girl instructor - humiliating as you'll see for a young pup just starting puberty) - objective: to improve what we already know as swimmers and to make us better. "Ummmm...I thought we were just learning how to swim?" - of course my objections went unheard - I never voiced them. How could I open my mouth and embarrass myself like that? So, the instructor begins calling names. She starts alphabetically and asks each team member to demonstrate what they know thus far.

   
  
The first young swimmer begins - I know I'm in trouble. He just zips on through the water and reaches the other side of the deep end like it was something he did every day. My heart begins to pound as I realize that my name is going to be called and I have absolutely no idea how to swim - I'm afraid of drowning as it is - but what can I say? How do I not embarrass myself in this situation? What am I going to do?

I look over at the shallow end of the pool. There they are - the true beginners - learning for the first time. They're all younger than me by at least 2 years. If I was over there - I'd look like an idiot! "Look at the old kid flailing around with the little kids - not knowing how to swim!" - I can hear them mock. I don't want to look like a little kid! - But - oh - I envy them - look how easy they have it! What I wouldn't give (really)...

But what do I do? The next name is called - one more closer to my name (being Kerr). I know I'll be called somewhere in the middle - but there are only 10 of us. He glides to the other side. He's not as practiced as the last, but he definitely knows how to swim. I'm dead meat!

The next name is called - it's a Johnson - or something. The dreaded J - one more closer to K. Odds are, my name will be called next. My heart really begins to pound - I can hear it in my ears, and my forehead begins sweating more than ever before in my life. The young boy makes it look so easy, and reaches the other side - to my chagrin.   
  

The moment begins to turn into slow motion. I can see my team clapping for the last guy - "Good job! You'll be a great swimmer! Ok, who's next? K-e-r-r. J-e-r-e-m-y - K-e-r-r!" Absolute panic! Can I fake this? "God, let me be able to swim!" - I plea. Maybe, somehow, maybe - I can do this! Maybe it's not as hard as it looks.

  
  
To this day - I will never forget what happened. How I wish I could have been an observer of this scene! (Mind you, I haven't even learned how to hold my breath under water at this point - yes, it's true - you have to learn) Here goes nothing - I thought - and I left the comfort of the ledge and plummeted into the depths!
  

My arms began to flail frantically. I was sinking! I screamed - gurgled - and took my first breath of pool water! People looked at me with panic (or was that pity) - the instructor (yes - a girl - a big deal at that impressionable age) dove in and began trying to rescue me. I say began, because as I flailed, I also punched and poked anyone that came near - even those trying to save. Finally, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to the side.
  

Thinking my humiliation was over - I grabbed the ledge and coughed out the remaining water left in my lungs. The instructor swam next to me and said "Why don't you try again" - what did you say? - I just about drowned - let alone informed everyone in a one mile vicinity that I can't swim and my voice hasn't changed yet. All the parents were watching - the beginners were watching - it seemed everyone was watching. Was I going to do this again?
  

Well, now that I'd tried it - maybe it would be easier the second time. OK - here I go 1, 2, 3...Plop! Flail! Punch! Gurgle! Hi - I'm an idiot!
  

I learned many things that day (except, of course, how to swim). But the most important lesson was one I still struggle with today: Many times I want to arrive at the end without having to go through the beginning. - And the first time I learned this, I almost drowned! 
  
 
  
Have a great day!
  
 
  
Jer (k)